shoot me a smile // i'm dying to see you (flashfic challenge 163: quite new)

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

Title: shoot me a smile // i'm dying to see you
Author: cosmicanomaly
Word count: 757
Concrit?: sure!
Pairing: junsu/changmin
Rating: PG (implied sexual situations)
Summary: death arrives at his doorstep dressed as junsu.

shoot me a smile // i’m dying to see you.

Junsu’s gaze is faraway, distant, cold as he stands by the windowsill and stares into the mesmerizing midnight sky like he belongs there. There is a song on his lips, sweet, silent, seductive, and Changmin feels goosebumps rise on his skin as it drags his mind all the way from then to now. He hasn’t seen Junsu in years.

Hi, he breathes.

Junsu greets him with a slow smile, teasing him with a hint of a promise glowing in his eyes, and it makes him shiver.

Junsu makes him weak.

Courage rushes through his veins, I can do this, and he steps so close to Junsu he can smell the rain on his skin and taste the wind in his hair. He used to be afraid what the blond would think, but now he thinks he knows better - with that hair and those nails and the rings and the songs and the vaguely interested look in his eyes – he thinks Junsu wants this too.

Are you sure, Junsu whispers into his ears, all the warning he gives before he pushes him onto the cotton sheets and hovers above him. Junsu is stronger than he looks.

Didn’t think you’d be ready so soon.

A cold haze wraps itself around him as he finds himself fallen someplace his mind has never let him go, and he thinks he thinks he cannot think right now - he cannot do anything except want. He wants this. He wants this so much it scares him. He wants this so bad he could die.

His heart surges to meet Junsu’s touch, skips a beat, and another, and another, and Junsu is a work of art, he realizes as he watches sweat-ridden blond hair fall into teardrop eyes, intent on concentration, on him, and Changmin closes his eyes and thinks about the dull grey loneliness he is leaving behind.  

He thinks maybe he has been waiting for this his whole life.

Junsu’s eyes narrow as he stops at the scars on Changmin’s wrist, old and faded, haunting him with a gentle reminder of the things that hurt the most. Friendship. Hatred. Loss. Junsu.

Junsu.

I wanted to see you, he murmurs, and it's almost like he's confessing it to himself.  

Junsu presses dry lips to the soft pulse underneath and Changmin feels the cold seep through his veins, slowly, taking over his mind until all that is left is Junsu and his lips on his jaw and his hands in his hair and with each second he feels weaker and weaker and weaker, and he can’t breathe, like he is drowning under a tidal wave of love he hadn’t wanted to admit he felt.

He grips Junsu so tight he’s sure he’ll bruise, and just like all those years ago in those games and fights that meant everything and nothing, Junsu takes it like a charm and bruises him right back. When Junsu smiles, the dull moonlight paints a halo on his hair, and he looks like an angel.

I love you.

Don’t talk, and Junsu’s voice is like a song, hypnotic, a lullaby that can put him to sleep with the simplest incantation, and Changmin thinks he’s right – words are what got him into this mess, words are what fucked him over. He doesn’t need to ruin this moment with meaningless words when what he wants to say already rings loud and clear, echoing through the silence and colouring the house with an overwhelming shade of love and guilt and hate and fear and everything he had ever felt in between.

I won’t let you go, Junsu sings when dawn peeks through the curtains. It is snowing outside. Changmin is freezing.

You didn’t keep your promise last time, he wants to say, but he is tired, drained, exhausted, like a lifetime of emotions was packed into these short hours, and he can’t bring himself to open his mouth and respond, or turn to the side and open his eyes. A few spare moments before he falls unconscious, he realizes that he is paralyzed.

Junsu presses a loving kiss to his blueing lips and steals the last of his breaths away.

I love you too.




Jaejoong chokes on his own bile when he turns on the bathroom lights to find Changmin lying on the floor in a pool of red, a bittersweet smile still etched on his lifeless face.

There are shadows dancing on the ground.

Comments

[teukiesu.livejournal.com]

OH MY FUCKING FLIPPING JESUS CHRIST THIS IS VVVERYTHING IVE WANT ED IN A JUSHU/CHANGMINF IC GODOB ,ELSLSLSLSLS
GOD BLES SUR S OUL OHMFYGOID
SCREMA S@ THE SUN
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

KAWAII CHAN.

[champagne2001.livejournal.com]

I DONT LIKE YOUR FICS MARYAM THEY GIVE ME FEELS

BAD FEELS
ANGSTY FEELS
does not want.
ihu. ;_;

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

;n;
what to do with my life????

[elvenknight16.livejournal.com]

Why are you so skbdkhbkbshdjfksnf, yeah, that.
Why Maryam?! Why?
Why you like to make me sad, and in love with you writing? ;__;
I am definitely sad. But nonetheless, I love you, & this story very much!!!!!

Really. You're awesome, brilliant, and so so, lovely~<3

But is it me, or did you really mean to write i'm been dying to see you instead of i've been dying to see you?

You're still perfect though~

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

ty omg i didn't even notice! LMAO

[elvenknight16.livejournal.com]

ur welcome~

and it's alright, i've done mistakes like that so yeah~ xP

[sbadillo09.livejournal.com]

I love this!!!!!!!! You're writing is amazing!! Is it too selfish to want chapters?!?! Thanks for sharing this. :)

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

I guess it's not too selfish to want more, 'cause to be honest, I want to write a chaptered side-shot to this as well. Buuut~ I don't know when I'll manage to find the time ;A; Wish me luck! ! !

Thank you for reading and commenting! ;D

[shinchul303.livejournal.com]

Nicely done! Poor Changmin...

However Junsu got to be Tod, it's scary how well it works. I think Kim Junsu the music business professional is every bit as cold and deadly as Tod inside. He just had this aegyo exterior from the early TVXQ days that fooled everyone--until it was too late. He's XIAH now, and Dong Bang Shin Ki is no more.

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

Haha, agreed to some extent - Junsu's stage personality is the hardest to crack, and when it does, it reveals a completely different side to him that completely contrasts the baby we all seem to know, and that makes him just as bit as mysterious and enthralling as Tod, imo. But that's exactly what makes it so fun to try and peer inside! :D

Thank you for reading and commenting!

[kiava-xxx.livejournal.com]

Well. Simply put. That blew my mind.

That's why it took me a while to write a comment.

All the time while I was reading it I had this reeeeeeeeeeeeally creepy feeling that you're writing a Tod-Su and that you're talking about death the whole time. But I was like, neh, she probably isn't, this is too emotional and beautiful and Junsu is too full-fledged of a character to be Tod. And her style isn't one where she'd simply copy an already existing character and transfer it to one of the guys. (which, turns out I was right about and that's why you managed to deceive me so well but... I'll talk about this later) And then bam!. I was like o________o

If there was a moment that made me almost 100% sure you were writing "Tod", but that also made me almost 100% sure that you aren't, it was this:

"I won’t let you go, Junsu sings when dawn peeks through the curtains. It is snowing outside. Changmin is freezing."

Like... Junsu's words were soooooooo typical for the musical character I was like, duuuh. That's sooo Tod who's come to take Minnie with him. But then you said that it's snowing (which is apparently a metaphor and most probably a dying man's hallucination- but we only find that out later) and I was like, oh, so maybe it really is just a very, very angsty story where Junsu's image is simply influenced by his transformation after the musical. Which is not your style, if you ask me.

WRONG! Turns I was right the first time around! XDD This, I think,is the most clever piece of work you've written so far, dear. Blew my mind for real.

Because! I re-read the whole story and I could see the flip side!!!! ... if that makes sense. Every single thing you described, every single "touch" and emotion Changmin felt- I could see what he was doing "in reality" and how his actions brought out his fantasy.

For instance: "A cold haze wraps itself around him as he finds himself fallen someplace his mind has never let him go, and he thinks he thinks he cannot think right now - he cannot do anything except want. He wants this. He wants this so much it scares him. He wants this so bad he could die."

For me this is the moment when Changmin actually slashes his writs. Like, when his life starts fading. I've read a lot about suicide (thank you, academic education ¬.¬) and Min's ... thoughts, his... illusions are a very accurate example of what people who've attempted suicide describe they've went through. He's scared, but as he starts losing touch with reality and his ... pain fades away, he finds comfort so he ends up wanting this and your [word play] here is so.damn.good. Just like here: "He thinks maybe he has been waiting for this his whole life." Like. Duuuuuuuuh. We all live while simply waiting to die. But the double meaning in the context is so complex and clear I just can't. And on top of this you've shown Changmin's real emotional state so well- how his unresolved love-struggles mix with his depression and lead him to "see" his own process of... well, dying in such a romantic, even erotic way! Just. Just. I love you. Can I say that in public? haha

And when I look back at the story Junsu is just. Such a beautiful metaphor. A metaphor and yet a character that has been given so much life to (while Changmin's is being taken slowly, sentence by sentence). He's so real, but he isn't and he's Tod but he's not. And that's brilliant, honey. Does this make any sense? If it wasn't for your amazing writing skills (which I know you'll deny you have, but you can't hide them when they show so well and shine through, so give up!) this would have been one huge disaster of a fic. But it works so well! I can say there isn't a single [word] in the story that doesn't belong in it. And there are no words left out either. A perfect clockwork. Just. Bravo!

EDIT: I just wanted to add

"...Changmin feels the cold seep through his veins, slowly, taking over his mind until all that is left is Junsu and his lips on his jaw and his hands in his hair and with each second he feels weaker and weaker and weaker, and he can’t breathe, like he is drowning..."

Who knew that love and death are so similar? Who knew they felt so similar.

Still blows my mind.

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

Shut up. Your comment blew my mind. I think you're more coherent in your comments than I've ever been in my fics and I don't even know how you do it??

But yeah lol you know now exactly what I had in mind when I planned to write it (although it was meant to be crack LOL). I just decided to go on a different path ('cause I really hate blatantly obvious fics, you know that LOL) than cliche and make junsu's role as death as implicit as I could. So I guess it really does serve me well to begin with the end in mind. It made merging junsu as death and junsu as the mysterious star of changmin's unfulfilled love line a lot easier. LMAO but getting those parts to work both ways - IT WASN'T ME BEING SMART THOUGH LMFAO IT WAS ME BEING REALLY REALLY CHEESY LOLOL.

I AM SURE LOVE AND DEATH ARE NOT SIMILAR IRL THOUGH OMG THAT WOULD SUCK SO HARD ;A;

THE HARDEST PART WAS THE SEX 'CAUSE THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A SMUT FIC BUT WHERE IS THE SMUT? LMAO

You can love me in public btw THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT YOU CAN STROKE MY EGO LIKE AN ARPEGGIO AND /restrains self. LMAO so cheesy.

Asdfohalgr seriously want to hug you though 'cause "no words left out" was my biggest concern 'cause 700 words is just not enough for me to feel very much involved with a fic yet I can never seem to get very far past that 500 word mark and it suxx ;n;

I'm legitimately humbled by all your support though. Seriously. Thank you, Kali chan ;A; Ilyyy <333

[lemonademelon.livejournal.com]

/heartaches/ /sobs/


gosh I think i have mem-ed every single MinSu you've ever written <3

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

Omg ahosfjlawef that's such an honour! ! Thank you. Seriously. <333

[rennie-88.livejournal.com]

loved this <3!! already read it like 5 times cuz i keep noticing diff thigs or reading it differently each time.. and still not quite sure what i think it all means..ahah but i love all the ambiguous imagery that can be so many things but nothing all at once..but so lovely and beautifully written at the same time *_*

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

D'aw! It's nice to hear that! I actually did try to make as many dual implications as I could when I was writing, so it feels like an accomplishment to see that people caught on.

Thank you so much for reading and the lovely comment. :D

[queen-sabriel.livejournal.com]

it's amazing homg sadtyghxclk;sd;ccd;kvm it'S PERFECT SOBS ;_;

ugh I can't believe you used Junsu as Death here so perfectly

i j

ust


i loved everything about this omg at first i thought oh sex but then lifeless??? oh kay i'm sorry i'm incoherent BUT IT WAS REALLY GOOD.


thank you for sharing this work of art /sobs

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

Hahahahaha! I tried. I'm glad it came across alright lol. And your incoherent comment is adorable LOL thank you for reading and commenting! :D

[karavila.livejournal.com]

Why are you distracting me from my work, you.

I have a soft spot for MinSu. Especially so when Junsu is XiahTod, Sigh. Point though: it would have been lovely if it was Jaejoong dying. )

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

No it would not have been lovely because Jaejoong is irrelevant and do you see how lazy I am with my comments urgh pls respond to them all for me I'm too lazy.

[karavila.livejournal.com]

Lol sure. I'd totally be like a pixie high on fairy dust though.

And just keep going with your gifs. They totally work.

[3tarlight.livejournal.com]

Mind blow. Love, it's perfect from the breathless kisses to the i love you's perfect ;__;

[cosmicanomaly.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! <3